It seems that all around me life is changing. Some changes are things I have no control over, like a 7 year stint with CFIDS now seemingly going into remission. Suddenly, I find I’m returning to the waking world. Like a ghost, finally starting to adapt to its ethereal life, unexpectedly becoming more solid again. Career lost, old friends gone, family missing vital parts of itself, uncertain what this body I inhabit can do, unsure of what I’m doing here, what I want, or even who I am.

Other changes are more of my own making. For example a 15 year relationship turned 4 year marriage turned “I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.” Moving out on my own to start a new life. A new job doing work I’d never done before. Trying new things, attempting to re-discover something as basic as my own likes, dislikes and passions. The possibility of swapping town for country, or town for mountains, or town for city. Maybe a new state, or how about a new country even?

Meanwhile the world around me changes (or doesn’t change, despite great need) in ways I struggle to comprehend. And all the while, some… instinct? within me speaks louder and with ever more urgency that a huge change is coming. At first I thought this persistent gnawing in my gut was related to my own personal life, but so many of my friends and acquaintances seem to be feeling similar urgings that I can’t help but wonder if the message has a broader scope.

So here I sit, in my tiny apartment which is very much not the home I spent the last decade creating, truly on my own for the first time since I can remember. With my newly recovered health, minimal responsibilities, a disturbingly low income, apparently a whole host of options and opportunities before me and I find myself wondering: What the hell do I do now?

Somewhat amusingly the answer that hit home the most came not from my therapist, my family, my divorce lawyer, my friends, co-workers or my ex. Though they all did kindly offer their sage advice. No, it came from a line in a TV show. Lost, I think it was. Pathetic, no? Anyway…

A man asks of his mentor, after being kicked out of a monastery:
“But what do I do now?”
His mentor answers, offering no further explanation:
“You do what comes next”

For some reason I found that a wholly comforting and satisfactory answer. So this blog is simply me, writing my way to what comes next.